Sunday, March 04, 2007

An open letter to the rich and beautiful computer illiterati

A couple of days ago on my other site, I posted a personal plea to Kiefer Sutherland regarding his computer illiteracy.

No one, not even famous people should have to go through life computer illiterate – especially Jack Bauer's alter ego.

I now wish to use this platform to extend my services to any of the worlds wealthy, powerful and/or well know yet computer illiterate folks.

Let me help you.

For a small fee or a pile of signed merchandise I can sell on eBay, I will personally raise your computer literacy level to at least functional. And I'm the right guy for the job too. My credentials:

  • I'm discreet.
  • I'm no threat to your acting career or your fame.
  • I guarantee that you are physically more appealing than I am if you are a movie star, or richer than I am if your wealthy or powerful.
  • I'm willing to teach your family, posse or entourage along with you.
  • I know computers, with over 10 years experience in the field, publishing my own website about geeks and spending way to much time typing stuff like this.
  • I have a loving personality and I get along with kids, animals and agents.
  • I don't have a criminal record.
  • I like long walks on the beach under the moon with a laptop and a cellular modem.
  • I'm not a stalker, serial killer, kleptomaniac, financial advisor or movie reviewer.
  • I'm licensed in some countries to perform marriages and practice medicine.

If you don't know the difference between DSL, Cable, FIOS, PPP, I can help you. I'll teach you the following skills and concepts:

  • How to blog like a lonely teenager.
  • WoW for beginners.
  • Linux – it's not a kind of antelope.
  • No you really shouldn't open that attachment and here's why.
  • YouTube has nothing to do with toothpaste.
  • CAPS LOCK AND HOW TO TURN IT OFF.
  • Home networking, OS Installs, software and hardware troubleshooting, shell scripting.
  • Macs – yeah, there really is only one mouse button.

Remember my jingle inspired motto – If you're famous, I want to teach YOU!

3 comments:

Pete said...

hi i am here 2 say taht his pr0gram 2 blog liek a lonly teenager werks grate i am waaaaay mor3 ppopular sinze he tawt me. k i want 2 die now bye

Gregory Adams said...

Macs have... one?... mouse button?

ONE? How do you right-click? Impossible! Check again!

If Kiefer calls, tell him I'm avaiable to help choose scripts.

What was that phone booth movie he was in a while ago? Good lord.

--G

Pete said...

As long as we're advising Sutherlands, can I advise Donald not to try to play any role aside from "Creepy, menacing reclusive man" which he does so well, since he permanently looks like he's just come out of a cave.

Macs do have one mouse button. Except...

....you can use a two (or more) button mouse with a Mac.

...you can install windows on a Mac.

...You can run all your windows programs on your Mac.

So, really, the only change is the color of your casing. And, if it's a laptop, a nifty Hard Drive protection feature.