BBT: The Magazine: The Blog: 10 Things I Learned... by Lucien Spelman

The past few weeks have been a little busy around BBT Central. The new issue is behind schedule, many of our artists seem to view deadlines as arbitrary suggestions put forth by the editors, and the editorial staff itself is seemingly falling apart.

For example, as evidenced in the previous posting Kennedy Smith (co-creator and one of our editors) he has been too busy slaying Diaper Dwelling Deficreatures and whinging about how “busy” he is to be useful for anything except writing hilariously funny blogs. Earl has not been heard from in more than a month (and frankly I’m a little worried. He was supposed to be on tour with his production of “Kiss Me Kate” done entirely in Aramaic, but he has not returned my calls, and I have not been able to find even one tour date listed on the net.) and Pete Tzinski keeps blathering on about his need to be with his wife, attend to his duties at work, etc, and claims that his hands are so full with helping web design, slushpile reading, editorial writing, interviewing, forum wrangling, and ad sales for BBT, and that he couldn’t possibly get to changing the oil in my car before spring. (It’s truly difficult to get good help these days.)

As most great leaders do when the going gets rough and trying times and deadlines start pilling up, I chose to subvert the problem and redirected my energies.

I went on vacation.

That’s right – Earl I hope your still alive, Kennedy, you know I love you and your wife and the little shit machine, PeeDee, I think the world of you and the spring should be fine for the car, Gentle Readers, the winter issue is forthcoming and it looks to be a stunner, but fuck it – I needed a vacation.

Here are 10 things I learned in Puerto Rico:

1: My ability to inebriate myself, and the severity of the toxic after effects of said inebriation are in direct relationship to the temperature, level of humidity, and my proximity to the water - In other words, I would get drunker sooner and feel worse afterward in Johnsburg, Illinois than I would in Isabela, Puerto Rico.

2: There are no poisonous snakes in Puerto Rico, but my wife could give a shit. She still doesn’t like it when they leap out at her and will tell you in no uncertain terms.

3: Drinking and driving in the western side of Puerto Rico is considered a competitive sport. When not engaged in the actual sport , the Cervathletes will gather at the local gas staion/bar and discuss the days games while building beer can pyramids, and chatting up the ladies.

4: Driving in Puerto Rico is terrifying.

5: There is no bad food in Puerto Rico.

6: There are only two unpleasant people in the western side of Puerto Rico, and they are from Marietta, Georgia. Everyone else is delightful.

7: There are many beautiful women in Puerto Rico, but similar to Logan’s Run, they are thrown into a fiery macerator on their 30th birthday, and replaced with wide, hairy, flatulent versions of themselves.

8: My wife could give a shit. She still doesn’t like it when they leap out at me, and will tell me in no uncertain terms.

9: 81 degrees and 100 ft visibility is perfect for just about every type of water sport.

10: There are some very, very, strange things that come out on the beaches at night - even the Tiano Indans back in 1200 AD knew about them.