An Interview With Kevin Smith and Ben Affleck (posters)

On Behalf of the BBT Blog I recently sat down to tape a short, unfiltered and uncensored Q&A session with famed director Kevin Smith and even more famed actor Ben Affleck. Unfortunately their publicists refused to answer my calls and emails so I conducted my interview with two posters hanging in my living room.

BBTBlog: I'm here with Kevin Smith and Ben Affleck today and it really is a pleasure to spend some time with you. I'm sure all of our readers are looking forward to hearing your thoughts and ideas. Let's get started, shall we?

Kevin and Ben:

BBTBLog: Yes, so let's begin. Kevin, my first question is for you. You've made many successful movies, you own your own comic book store, you've written your own comics and even published a book of essays. What's the creative force that drives you?

Kevin:

BBTBlog: Er. Ben, you're up next! You've have some scary career moments but we've all been pulling for you! Sort of a career Armageddon! (Laughs). You've recently redeemed yourself with your role in Hollywoodland. what's coming up next in your career?

Ben:

BBTBlog: You know guys, I've seen both of you interviewed before and I know you're capable of being relevant and funny. Are you having an off day? Do you (coughs) do you think you could, you know, ramp it up a little? (Pause). If not for me, for the fans?

Kevin and Ben:

BBTBlog: Oh. I get it! This is like a Silent Bob thing right? Except you're both being Silent Bob. (Pause.) The Silent Bobs. Hah! That sounds like a punk band!

Kevin and Ben:

BBTBlog: Ah. Really, this is a bit embarrassing, like Prince on American Bandstand. That whole silence thing. Er... um. Are you both going to be working on project together in the near future? A simple nod or some sort of hand gesture will suffice.

Kevin and Ben:

BBTBlog: Yes. Care to elaborate? (Whispered) you sick bastards.

Kevin and Ben:

BBTBlog: (Whispers) Look, I've been authorized to give each of you a year free subscription to BBT. Just answer the questions and it's yours.

Kevin and Ben:

BBTBlog: (Sounds of hands muffling the mike). (Whispered). . . .friggin stop it! Is this how you treat all your interviewers? Christ, you come all this way just to give me the silent treatment? What's up with that? Do you hate Speculative Fiction? Is that it? Are you both SciFi haters? C'mon admit it, you guys can't take the heat. Harlan Ellison too good for you? I'll bet neither of you could ever even come close to playing Spock. Huh? Huh!

Kevin and Ben:

BBTBlog: That's it. I'm (Muffled) off! Come on. Outside! You and me Silent Bob and friggin, friggin boy acting, Matt Damon toting friggin, Ben Gigli Affleck. What's the matter, can't get off the wall? huh? Well here, Let. Me. Help. You! (Sounds of tearing). Nobody gives ME the silent treatment! (Sounds of a scuffle.) I'm an artist too dammit. Not even a gift bag from your publicist you cheap, two dimensional bastards! (Pause. Sound of heavy breathing punctuated by hysterical laughter). I can't take this crap anymore. Sheenah? Sheenah! Where's my loincloth? Grab a fifth of Jack and come with me, We're going to Disney Land! Whoo! Yeah Baby! Whoo! (Tape Stops.)

Editors Note: This article was filed from a bus stop in Guadalajara Mexico several days ago. If anyone knows the current whereabouts of the author, please let us know immediately.