Thursday, February 08, 2007

An Open Letter To William Katt By Earl B Morris

Hello William, if that's your real name, which I doubt, because you haven't been honest about anything so far,

Why have you abandoned us? We here at The Greatest American Fan Club still hold weekly meetings, where we dance and sing and reminisce, and yes, sometimes shed a tear or two. But you seem to have moved on with your life as though nothing happened, and have thrown your fans to the wolves, like discarded fruit or grapes.

Sure our costumes are a little older and a little tighter in some uncomfortable places, but are we not the same tried and true Kattillacs that used to send you letters that smelled like after-shave and butter? If you bleed us do we not prick?

I know you probably spend all your time hanging out at The Brown Derby with your snooty friends, Robert Culp & Connie Sellecca, and don't have time for the "little guys" (and one "girl") in your life, but how about an acknowledgment at least, of your fans?

How about a note, or some hair? A tissue?

Something to at least let us know that we aren't (excuse my French) "Throwing screwy pills in the bathtub"?

Sometimes I feel like you might not be the Greatest American Hero, and guess what William, suddenly I'm not on top of the world, suddenly I'm at the very bottom of the world.

And I'm missing you, William.

I mean we're missing you.

Yours for ever and ever, until seas run dry and mountains turn into sand,

Earl B. Morris.

P.S, We have moved meetings to Thursday because my great aunt has therapy on her quiet places on Tuesdays, and because Leslie can come on either day. If your planning to surprise us or anything, come on Thursday.


Pete said...

I have been advised by Mister Katt's attorney in the following statement:

"Dear BBT Magazine. Your article is very droll. However, you would be less amused should you realize that Mister W. Katt has spent the past five years in afro-shock therapy for chronic hair issues which are in no way his fault.

He sends his best wishes and would like you to remind you that the restraning order has been renewed for another six years. Please do not call.

The Offices of H. Hardy Panzer,
Attorney at Law."

Anonymous said...

And what about the William Katt psychic network? I mean, he has a PSYCHIC NETWORK. He knows what you're up to, but he's CHOOSING to ignore you.

Take a hint, man.


Pete said...

He has a psychic network?


Dear God, the world is doomed...

What the hell does "throwing screwy pills in the bathtub" mean anyway? Is tihs one of those crazy expressions only you Yankees use?